A Mother is a Woman

By Julie Rozen

There is so much written on the injustice of womanhood and motherhood. They are service roles that cater to a system of oppression. But I'm no scholar, I can only tell you about the battle that took over my heart.

Motherhood will take everything away from you, if you let it. If you don't, be prepared to swim against the current, to swim hard and to swim long, to swim endlessly and wonder why you won't just stop. On the shore you can see the eyes that judge you, you feel them in your chest. There are the other mums, your mum, your own idea of mother, the one that was built into your consciousness consistently and over time, the one that is too big for you or is it too small?

They all judge you, there is your neighbour's eyes, your brother's s eyes. Everyone is looking at you and you, filled with unrest, try very hard to show that you know what you are doing, where you are going. But I don't.

I must let you know now, because I fear your judgement, that I love my daughters with a passion that scares me. Love like that brings fear into your life. I was always fearless, a risk taker, I knew and trusted my strength in a way that scared others.

But then it happened, everything changed. I feared death every second of the day. The pain of loosing them haunted me. I laid awake at night on the only few hours I had to sleep imagining how loosing them would hurt me so much, killing myself wouldn't take the pain away and I would for eternity be a screaming wind.

The fear of dying myself and leaving them with someone else, whoever it was, it would never be right. Like a curse of unfulfilled love it would haunt us forever.

This is post partum depression. I didn't recognise the creature that had taken over my mind. Its only from the other side that you can see the monster that became you.

It killed my relationship and strained many others. My friends didn't recognise me. I didn't recognise myself, I would look in the mirror and see a different face, a horrible face. I felt strange in my body and couldn't feel pleasure. Mothers don't feel pleasure in their body, only in their heart.

My healing started with a little red Bluetooth speaker that brought music and dance to every minute of my day. Movement and joy are powerful healers.

And then this town, my home, my dear Hastings, filled me with gratitude as I found beauty, laughter and friendship everywhere.

Maybe you will be blessed with no struggle, maybe you will settle naturally into your new identity as a mother, and even though I wish this for you, I don't wish it for myself as the hardest storms in my life always brought me growth and change and I love myself and my quest.

I will continue to raise us all, me and them together. Trying to be brave I will not make myself smaller, I won't ask them to be smaller. We will encounter fear, doubt and struggle but we will feel joy and freedom too.

Motherhood comes and it never goes away.