ADVICE TIME with Dr. Katz
Hello Dr. Katz
I have an anonymous question/problem that I’d love answered; why do I suck so much at relationships?
My last “relationship” was with someone that I later found out was a married man. I left him as soon as I found out but it hurt so much. I also found out in a terrible way. He told me he loved me and was actively trying to get me pregnant. Anyways, I left him and wasn’t pregnant but the hurt continued. Then I started to have a crush on another guy I thought was cool, he wasn’t. He found out I had a crush on him and let me know he didn’t like me back. So that left me real angry and now I find myself angry with all men in general.
But I’m still quite lonely and would like some company. But I don’t know how to go about doing this? I’ve worked on myself spiritually, I feel I’m ready. But I’m scared of rejection and have no self confidence.
What should I do??
From Super Anonymous
Dear Super Anonymous —
Really excellent, universal question. I feel for you and I’ve been there.
The desire to love
and be loved
is so fundamental to us,
such an innocent and beautiful human need —
don’t spend a minute more thinking about those shitty experiences when your heart was treated carelessly — that’s the last of that —
but now, the hunger for love is timeless, and must be attended-to.
Humans yearn for and thrive in love. Love is a space where we feel expansion in our lives, like anything is possible. We are engaged, feel a bit of bravery and playfulness and freedom in our hearts because the gravitational pull toward the other person makes us want to dance and open up so much so, that we can’t help but trust that it’s worth following!
And this desire for love is so fundamental to humans, so important and necessarily constant, it’s like the desire to eat. It never goes away, nor should it. Don’t feel bad that you have this desire — especially because it has been painful recently.
Okay, so your trust has been shaken, go back, retrace your steps, before you went off in unfulfilling directions. Honor your human need for love and make a list.
Yes, a list…hang on — of the things you value in a partner…your company, your playmate etc… and then go down the list again, making a check next to the qualities that you feel you inhabit,
and a wiggly line next to the qualities you want them to have but you feel that you need to work on in yourself /or bring more of into your life.
Example: I want my love to have a sense of humor. (Check! I am hilarious, laugh all the time with my mates, etc.)
I want them to be patient, (mmm… Wiggly Line… I can have some more ease and patience with myself..loosen up a bit even.)
This will build confidence by reflecting back to you all the amazing qualities that you have and the values that you cherish within yourself..(you’re a total package! right!)
And, this exercise will draw your attention to the things that you could…bring more of, into your life.
(This is not an invitation to criticize yourself. If you don’t currently live-in all the qualities that you wish your partner to have…it doesn’t mean you suck or are deficient in someway, it’s just information you can use as fuel to keep stepping one foot in front of the other toward living what's important to you in your life, great and small. Serious and fun. And these ways of being all ebb and flow in our life in varying amounts naturally, day to day even!)
This exercise will help you get clear on what areas you might have unmet needs in, and then you can work on bringing it to and for yourself, not waiting for a lover to bring it…
And in the meantime, you’re putting out those energetic vibrations and electricity, “vibes,” and it will be much easier to FEEL (and therefore know) when you do meet that person that lives in those life affirming qualities you desire to be around.
Your antenna will be up, and when you are around other people with similar high vibrations, you will effortlessly be attracted to them mirroring the good vibrations you’ve put out in the world and put your attention on, (instead of finding yourself around people who drag you down or violate your values.) Also it will get you pumped for that new person. Get a crush on them now in your imagination — they’re out there! Even many of them! Why not!
Also, trust within your partner and self is key. They go hand in hand. Having a healthy relationship doesn’t mean that your partner does everything you want them to do, perfectly (and vice versa — you doing everything they want and say and think is perfect — perfectly),
It’s knowing that your partner is taking care of their shit and themselves, and that when they are spending time with you, they are bringing their best and you don't have to micro manage it or worry that they are going to hurt you at any moment. They might not do things exactly how you envisioned it, but that you trust they will come up with their own brilliant way.
(Hey! They might even inspire you! You might learn from each other! ...Two heads are better than one! and all that.)
Another component of trusting your partner, is knowing that they operate with an understanding of and a respect for the principle that their well-being is bound in your well-being. That the care of you is the care of them too.
The quote of Murri (Indigenous Australian) activist, Lila Watson, comes to mind and says to the same effect, “If you have come here to help me you are wasting your time, but if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”
Your partner knows that their actions impact your happiness and that they benefit directly from upholding their end of the deal when they are treating you well.
You’re not keeping score of who is doing what for whom…it’s a fluid engagement of balance and mutual care.
(And more and better sex. which I didn’t mention before but let’s not gloss over that -- sex is a big part of why we get into this mess in the first place.)
Remember to do no harm… do unto others as you’d want done unto you — they should have this down to be in your world. Period. This isn’t something that you need to do anything to prove to someone you're worthy of good treatment. You must always be able to walk away if they can't say that their happiness is bound in your happiness.
(Mantra: Do I feel seen? safe? celebrated? In this relationship?)
Life is way more fun when you have this fundamental shit together! Guys! Ladies! Non-binary identifying loves…hello.
I’m sorry if it feels like that’s a high bar to set, but it’s really not asking too much. That is a solid foundation you’re going after…and we all deserve that.
So lead by example. Treat everyday like a gift. Treat yourself like a gift — and when you meet someone, let yourself be treated like a gift.
I hate to end on a cliche about drinking … but here it goes anyway: “Drink to be happier, not to be happy.” Know what I mean? A relationship cannot fulfill a hole — but it can add a lot to your life. (unless we’re talking about pure body-2-body things filling holes…then again, your hands and toys and a sexy song on your headphones are a good understudy until then…)
Doing “the spiritual work” never ends… in that we’re always evolving and building, curious as we go and grow— but no less lovable in the process. I know you want love, so when you do pine for it, make sure that you are making affirmative statements in your mind, “I want x, y, z” throw out any statements of “I don’t want x, y, z” and if you must…try to imagine what the opposite would feel or look like.
“I don’t want a man that plays games.” Try, ”I want a man that calls me and makes plans that he’s excited to do with me… (so I can enjoy the excitement of the plans!)”
But be engaged and invested in your life until then! You will spend the most time in this life with you! Make sure you're taking care of you... let the partner be the cherry on top of your sundae...
I have total faith that, if it hasn’t already happened, you’re due for something fulfilling and real that will compliment your world.
I love you and I want the best for you
--- Dr. Katz
Dr. Katz prescription:
Listen to “I Want To Thank You” by Alicia Myers on repeat.
YES!
P.S. There are a few earthly pleasures that can transcend a mood and music is one of them.
Dr. Katz prescribes songs to take you out of fear space into expansive freedom space…. Today, for super anonymous, (and I invite everyone to hum along too):
(Songs in bold are ultra choice vibe changers, songs without bold lettering are bonus tracks!)
“I Want To Thank You” — Alicia Myers (get ready to cry because this is heaven and love is on the way!)
***
1.“Smack a Bitch” — Rico Nasty (If/when you’re still mad… get it out…)
2. “Hold Tight” — Change (prepare for lift off —get into the mood & google/watch Jay Versace dance to it)
3. “Yes, I’m Ready” — Barbara Mason (To tenderize you.. Barbara doesn’t know what to do about love either — but she’s sure cute, vulnerable, open and ready for love!)
4. “The Morning of Our Lives” — Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers (lil motivational speech)
5. “Be You” — Irma Thomas (Another great message — brought to you by late edition Irma… who stirs to the core with her earlier 1960s hits “Anyone Who Knows What Love Is” and “Ruler of My Heart”.
6. “My Love For You” — ESG (Loosen up! 1980s sisters from the south bronx bring the fun to your love (& nice use of cowbell!)
7. “Time After Time” — Step By Step (It’s not the Cyndi Lauper version — dreamy soul slow dance from Milwaukee, Wisconsin 1972 brothers… lead singer is 13 — what does he know about love?! don’t care it’s a gorgeous dream of a song)
8. “All Night Long” — Mary Jane Girls (Sexy making dinner groove)
9. “You’ve Got a Woman” — Lion (go frolic in a meadow together — sexy uplifting 70s, bonus deatail: song uses a vibraslap(!)(mechanical sound of a jaw bone?!) you will be vibraslapping all night to this!)
10. “I’m The Man, That Will Find You” — Conan Mockasin (he’s a weirdo! And he’s looking for your love! that’s a promise!)
11. “Mas Alla Del Sol”— Joan Sebastian (Travel to mexico, closely slow dance and look up the lyrics — someone’s got to sing this about you and to you.)
12. “Suzanne” — Leonard Cohen (old romantic poetry…)
13. “Sfriorivano le viole” — Rino Gaetano (put your heart on a feather and blow!)