ADVICE TIME with Dr. Katz
Dear Dr. Katz,
Help! I am in a 5 year relationship with a beautiful, compassionate man, he used to be vibrant and appreciative of my sparkly nature but we are both making each other miserable.
The past 2 years I feel we haven’t been “us” as he hasn’t been himself. I always knew he was prone to depression but I do believe it’s been getting worse. I have suffered with my own mental health throughout my life and will continue to, but I feel I am working on myself all the time and am conscious of taking responsibility for how my energy affects the vibes at home.
I feel like a therapist and also his mother. I always feel guilty when I don’t have energy to help solve his problems. He listens to mine, though doesn’t proactively give me advice or input, which is fine until I feel resentful that I’m putting more effort in. I don’t like feeling like we are keeping score. It’s hard to be in the head space where you are measuring how much you are putting in and what you are getting out. Where is the line between being a compassionate partner and being an emotional dumping ground? I have tried to pull back and let him solve his own problems but I just feel guilty. We know each other so well I know he can tell I feel drained and it makes him feel bad when he sees I’m exhausted emotionally. I don’t want him to feel like a “buzz kill” but I am normally feeling really great until I come home to a sad partner. When I push back and say he needs to sort things on his own he normally gets angry and says he’s going to call his mom instead. I get defensive and hurt and run after him to help fix whatever problem I think he has presented me, like I would be some sort of failure if not. I feel like a massive hypocrite when this happens because I also encourage him to speak to his friends and family sometimes rather than just me. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t come to me at all, again where is the line?
I am loving life at the moment and am finding it really hard feeling so down around him. Is there hope for us?
Thank you so much for your wisdom,
Lost in St Leonards
Dear Lost in St Leonards,
I hear that you are frustrated — but you do not have to make any big decisions right this minute. Just continue enjoying and growing your light.
There have been many times when I’ve felt I was forced to decide between stuffing my truth to save a relationship, or speaking my truth but accepting that it might blow it all up. Neither seemed like a good choice, rather a corner that I was backed into.
So take that pressure off from anticipating consequences or reactions to you being you.
That “line” that you mentioned that you’re not sure how to enforce or support… it’s hard to identify it, if it’s constantly being defined on a case by case basis.
Step back and let feeling lead you. Do I feel expansive or collapsed in this moment? Fuelled by love and desire? Or am I being his mom and depleting myself?
This is a great time to pause, get into your body, and be in the moment. Remind yourself who you are — a vibrant, sexy, sparkly goddess.
Pay attention to how you sit, stand, and walk when you are around your partner — especially in potential line-crossing times.
Do you feel hunched around your heart? or can you rise through your chest? Find strength in your spine. Walk with deliberateness. Like a cat stalking prey or a bird flying over an expanse of mountains or sea. Walk like your heroes. And don’t dim that light.
You can do this walking outside listening to music. Just for a few minutes.
Whenever you think of it, do this. Feel your regal-ness.
Stretch on the floor or against a wall in an improvised manner.
When you are standing, do your feet and ankles tend to roll inward, or out? Can you go the opposite way and strengthen and lengthen? Stand rooted. Can your bare feet reach for the floor as if they were hands caressing the earth (or carpet or wood..etc.) feel the integrity in your body, the aliveness. Stay present and breath.
This is to remind you who you are through feeling. Not just a litigated headspace. This is what “the line” feels like — when it’s not crossed you stay alive.
You are your vibrancy and the more that you give it permission to simply exist, the more you will notice when it feels like it’s slipping away.
Tell him your truth because you love him. As we experience the everyday courage it takes to be human, honor that he’s doing his best… even if it’s not right for you. (And even when it out right sucks at times.)
…But being in-love is a little different. Being in love with someone, I think, is admiring them. Watching them in their world, which might be in many ways different from yours, but you enjoy seeing them move about it, and they too are desirous of experiencing your ways of being. Being in love is active and dynamic like how you are when you are feeling good about yourself.
Don’t worry about what the reaction will be to your honesty and gauge how true to your needs you will be.
Once you set authenticity in motion, it will never be the same — in a good way.
Practicing being totally real isn’t like signing up for a tough life of constantly being hurt and experiencing loss because you are being honest, it actually gets easier and things become more peaceful because you are honoring and upholding your core being.
You don’t have to control or manage the outcome — but try to be honest with him as things come up. Try to stay in the moment.
I’ve put together a “choose your own adventure playlist.”
Listen to the songs and see how each one makes you feel. “The line” lives in the feeling. Expansiveness or collapse. Go for the expansion even if it’s scary. The rewards will be numerous.
I love you and I want the best for you
--- Dr. Katz
Dr. Katz’s “choose your own adventure” to dear Lost In St. Leonards playlist ….
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1kLdcPkl5zdw6JvCqBIdnL?si=KP-oMIT-R56bKL3wseegtA
PT. 1 — For A Discussion
1. “Lotta Love” — Neil Young: Listen to the whole song. It’s for both of you. “So if you look in my direction and we don’t see eye to eye —my heart needs protection and so do I” keep love as the focus.
2. “Catch Me If I fall” — Billy Idol: When being brave and speaking your truth, let it be met with love and lightness from Billy and his saxual-healing. Don’t worry about being perfect.
3. “Andres” — L7: Grungy 90s, silly, bratty, “sorry it’s not working” — tough energy
4. “Slow Learner” — Viagra Boys: If he’s slow to catch on to what you’re saying at least you can bop around to it.
5. “Power of Two” — Mr. Twin Sister: wait, can you share light together?
6. “You Know More Than I Know” — John Cale: If you must fight with your partner, can you dreamily waltz at the same time? Cale sounds exhausted and resigned. Very beautiful.
PT. 2 — Songs For Letting Go
7. “Let me Down Easy” — Betty LaVette: [Break-glass only incase of an emergency!]…if your heart must process loss or pain, this is powerful medicine to do so.)
8. “It’s Too Late” — Carole King: Alright…since we’re on the topic. this was at the suggestion of my friend who listened to this on repeat when she was letting go of her 6 year relationship… and now she’s with a dream of a guy who, “actually says “yes!” to life!”
9. “Anyone Who Knows What Love Is” — Irma Thomas: Two steps forward and one step back… you might do that. Irma doesn’t care if she’s the only one who understands what her love is about.
10. Yu-Ma / Go Away Little Boy — Marlena Shaw: A classy lounge act to send someone on their way (great melody — perhaps a little flippant for our intents and purposes…*you might recognize that is was sampled by Avalanches)
11. “At Last I Am Free” — Robert Wyatt: This might be your north star, it’s soft and brave and …
free…and if it resonates, (listen to lyrics,) you might have your answer…
12. “Loner” — Mykki Blanco, Jean Deaux: (ummm… this is a great song but if it reminds you of your partner… that can’t feel good!)
PT. 3 — Stay Connected To Sexy, Stay Connected to Expansion of Spirit
13. Beast of Burden — Rolling Stones: I don’t care if this is the most played out song — IT IS SEXY!
14. “I Want to Be Adored” — (probably one of the sexiest, affirmative songs, don’t forget you must be adored…bite an earlobe to this)
15. . “Just Drifting” — Psychic TV: A view of love — could this be you one day ?
16. “raingurl” — Yaeji: Whatever you do… make it rain gurl and keep those vibes high!
17. “Devuelveme a mi chica" — Hombres G: This is a very fun dance song. HIGH VIBES
18. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” — Def Leppard: This, for a long time, was my siren stripper song… I think it’s a place holder at this point… but find your inner stripper song
END:
19. “Reflecting Light” — Sam Phillips It’s 3am, you are alone, with a lullaby, and you are rocking your brave self to sleep.