ADVICE TIME with Dr. Katz
Dear Dr Katz,
I'm hoping you can help me with my social woes. As the lockdown is lifting, I'm starting to feel worried rather than excited about social situations. What do I even talk about anymore? How am I going to string together a sentence? Who am I? Do I even still have friends?
It's been a long time since I've hung out with a group of people other than my household and to be quite honest, I've become very good at staying in my loungewear and not leaving the house. I've been enjoying not having to make up excuses as to why I can't go to an event and the silence in Whatsapp groups has been very welcoming. I'm worried that once things start opening up and social plans start being made, that I'll start to feel negative about my personal life again. How can I find the balance of keeping up with my friends and raising a family?
Please help!
Yours Sincerely,
Socially Scared
Dear Socially Scared —
This is such a great question! I too am experiencing a mixture of excitement and nervousness for the future. To my own surprise, I have begun to enjoy wearing a mask… remaining mysterious, feeling invincible like I’m not really there if you can’t see my face. And I’ve largely enjoyed my time alone.
Our ability to adapt can be slow moving and hard to detect.
Once my sister declared that she thought she was probably, in fact, truly, at her core, a-sexual. She had been with her boyfriend for two years and this was becoming clear as their connection dissipated.
And then in nearly the same breath, she grew hushed, “see that guy across the street — that’s my neighbor — god he’s hot.”
She had adapted so well to her current situation, that she was able to forget the feeling of her human desire. (She ended up dating said neighbor for three years…)
We might have forgotten how to do many things, wondering if they are still possible and hoping that our abilities to function within society are merely dormant inside.
But there is so much to look forward to. Everything will be a fresh rediscovery. Your first dinner with a friend that you haven’t seen in ages. Your first time hearing a song that was released this year, but now blasted on a sweaty dance floor. (For example.)
The warmth of other humans not represented by screens. We will wake up again.
And, this time you’re better equipped for life because you are armed with a deeper self knowledge. You’ve had quite a time to reflect. You have deepened your connection to the family unit — and, not a bad thing… your loungewear.
Let us take this time to continue to design a society, (“think globally and act locally,”) that contains what really matters, cutting away the excess.
How to help with this transition process?
I suggest you have a funeral, when you are ready, for this lockdown time.
Get some candles, a tambourine…
Write down everything that you appreciated in the great global pause, (spending time with family, less screen time in Whatsapp, other revelations,)
and write down everything you want to shed before this next phase.
Shedding, if you can imagine, is not only about discarding, but like a happy little snake with fresh beautiful diamond scales, shedding includes emerging with a new readiness for the next chapter of life, in a brand new custom made suit.
(If you do not like snakes, or their symbolism carries too many other connotations for you — maybe switch to a cute little lizard minding it’s own business…also shedding it’s old skin)
The Funeral-Snake-Ceremony.
Reflect, celebrate, mark the passage of time to help with the transition — throw a party for the potted plants that you acquired last year and a funeral for freezer box pizzas that you no longer will be force-eating due to boredom and exhaustion from your own cooking.
Invite the whole family to participate.
With getting clear on what you valued in lockdown, you can use this knowledge to plant seeds for what you will continue to honor and bring forward in the new world/next phase.
It will be easier this time to say what you need, if it’s going out with friends or staying in with family.
And, since you let go of the old stuff, you will have a clearing of space to be most open to integrate, with eyes wide open, whatever will unfold next.
Don’t believe the human-wiring’s fear-of-change! Focus on your incredible human ability to adapt. And remember we are social creatures by nature! All of those things are true due to thousands of years of evolution.
This is such a great question, Socially Scared, you will be in really good company whenever this lifts…we’re all trying to figure it out … and we’ve missed you!
Happy ceremony —
Love, Dr. Katz
Today’s Dr. Katz music playlist prescription comes with a:
“Side A — for the funeral” and “Side B — for the openness to new life!”
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ET4MnpnoTwDYKTY2uQ4zA?si=ygtniJecTxqC6BNTXFiaPA
“Side A — for the funeral”:
“Willow’s Song” — Magnet: I’ve never seen the horror film, The Wicker Man, that this is part of the soundtrack of… but it brings me to a quiet, beautiful reflective place, every time.
“Helpless” — Buffy Saint-Marie: Beautiful song that lets you give into the helpless sense, but also beautiful, her voice consoles me
“Something On Your Mind” — Karen Dalton: 1960s folk singer, very kind, cathartic to listen to… try not to cry…in a good way
“Doll Parts” — Hole: You’re only human! Just a body yearning for something or someone…
“I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts” — X: let go of circular, “bad” thoughts
“Don’t Touch” — Norma Tanega: letting go of “don’t touch” energy
“Like A Ship” — Pastor T.L. Barrett and the Youth for Christ Choir… : Are you a ship without a sail? Very good feeling, “I know we can make it, I know we can shake it…” Deliver us to good times!
“Is That All There Is?” — Peggy Lee: “If that’s all there is — then let’s keep dancing” Peggy is wise and cool, real relaxed about the whole drama of it all… good segue into Side B of your playlist!
“Side B — for the openness to new life!”
“Philosophy of the World” — The Shaggs: 1968 teenage sisters sing, in a very friendly way, “you can never please any-bod-hee-hee — in! this! world!” Sounds so silly when we get uptight about it!
“Song for Insane Times” — Kevin Ayers: half about the title, half about the smooth easy jammer vibe … yeah! No need to rush into the new times … breeze in and melt…
“Corridor of Dreams” — The Cleaners From Venus: dreamy keep it moving as you wind down your corridor of … dreams.
“It’s My House” — Diana Ross: never forget, if you want to revel in your house, enjoy it! Diana Does!
“Reach Out And Touch (Somebody’s Hand)” — Diana Ross: “try a little kindness, make this world a better place if you can” extremely sappy and well intentioned and listen to Diana!!!
“Les Fleurs” — Minnie Riperton: Minnie imagines being a flower… “inside every man lives the seed of a flower, if he looks within he finds beauty and power.” I can’t make this up, a song to encourage softness and love!
“Wordy Rappinghood” — Tom Tom Club: Just a goofy old staple, making fun of words and talking — you’ll be great!
“You Only Live Twice” — Nancy Sinatra: You’re descending over hot desert rolling hills — flying toward the valley of your dreams… here’s your second life, luxuriate in it
“Kites Are Fun” — The Free Design: … no comment
“A Little Bit Of Love” — Brenda Russell: It has been observed, she might be off key at one point, but take her message and “start today”!
“Up” — Cardi B: “When it’s up/ then it’s stuck” … let your energy get stuck/up/… in the highest place! I have to be careful not to over play this. I want it to be fresh for when lockdown lifts, on my fantasy dance floor! What’s yours?