ADVICE TIME with Dr. Katz

Dear Dr Katz, 

It feels like everyone around me is having babies, getting married and doing the big old settle down thing. 

I am definitely in that ‘have a baby’ age group, in fact I would be classed as a geriatric mother if I was to have one. But I am as single as they come and struggle to see a time when I would be remotely ready to have a baby. 

They say more and more people are opting to not get married and have children. Turning away from tradition and choosing to not bring any little mini me’s into the world. 

But even as we sit here in 2021, I still feel the blood curdling fear of ending up being the only one out of my friends without a family of their own. Always the aunt, godmother and never with the need for a plus one. 

I like to believe I am a modern woman, independent and loving it. But why do I still feel the fear of being on my own? The pressure is now double, find someone and settle down. Or don’t, but you have to feel at total ease and confident with that too. And I am not doing great at either to be honest. 

How do I make peace with the possibility that having a baby and ‘settling down’ may not be on the cards for me? 

When friends lives change so dramatically and their priorities shift how can I make sure that I don’t feel lonely, unable to relate and inadequate?

From Deep Seated Fears

Dear Deep Seated Fears —

It sounds like you aren’t totally sold on the “being a parent” thing. 

(Notice how I didn’t say, “having kids”? because it’s really like — do you want to parent someone?…for the rest of your life…? :) 

But the piece about losing friends and relevance within your social circle really hurt me the most. Even a hint of social condemnation was there — choices of whether to be a reluctant geriatric(!) mom, or a single spinster. I laugh — only because I’ve let those thoughts creep within my mind too and they just sound like two miserable fates don’t they?

I appreciate your question so much, because without it, we would still have those worries lurking about and wouldn’t push to quite render with color and clarity, THE ANSWER. 

Yes. I have it! For you! For me! 

The answer that I always return to, is this: I must stay joyful in whatever I do. 

I will continue living my life in its fullness no matter if I am a mother in a traditional sense, a step-parent, an adoptive parent, a woman who froze her eggs …and never does anything with them, a god parent, or no parent at all. 

Bottom line: stay sexy. 

Sexy isn’t an external judgement from someone else, saying “you are sexy” or attractive, or viable and vital and important because you’ve met criteria. 

Sexy is a feeling. 

It is an energy of vibrancy that you bring to your life… 

I’m being serious, about your very serious, universal, deep seated fears. 

Whatever happens, your main responsibility to yourself (and if you have a child — your main responsibility to them!) is to attend to what contributes to your sense of thriving. 

(So that you can be the best example, have the most energy for them and actually enjoy being in their lives as you enjoy being in your own.)

It goes without saying — but I’m saying it — if you do have children, that doesn’t mean you get to fuck off and not tend to your garden anymore because you’re doing that thing your friends are doing and the ticking time clock pressured you into it and won. (We know that mothers unfortunately can be miserable too.)

With this attitude of living fully engaged, you will always be free and in love with your life. No matter how the adventure expresses itself. Children or no children. 

And honor your choices. Whatever has led you to this moment — stick up for it and stand by it. 

And lastly, you will absolutely continue to meet friends that are on YOUR page. 

Yes, if you do not have children you will be a valued member of your community as the big “funt” in the room, 

(fun-aunt…wise too…many important qualities you will bring ;) 

but also, there are folks out there doing fabulous things without children. 

I can’t wait for you to meet them. 

Whatever happens, I resolve to give myself the best goddamned life I can stand. 

And I wish that on you too :)

…And as always, to put a finer point on it: 

I love and want the best for you.

This Dr. Katz playlist is for made for you to relax and enjoy being 

and side B is if you decide to go the baby route...with some counter arguments mixed in :)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0gkA0PrJG0TQR6PP5AXtw1?si=945930235f7f4e62

SIDE A: 

“God is Alive Magic is Afoot” — Buffy Sainte-Marie: 

Life is too special to get stuck in stuffy narratives…. magic is alive — and to remind yourself of that is a revolutionary act! 

(Chosen for the lyrics, a little challenging to listen to the whole thing… but a great reminder.)

“Oh Honey” — Delegation: 

Did I say get out a candle and melt into some stretches? Do… 

Oh honey… don’t worry, you’ll be great … whatever you decide

“Sweet Thang” — Shuggie Otis: 

Keep the melting -- keep simmering you sweet thang!

“Come on Michael” — Labi Siffre: 

Also, the album title, "Crying, Laughing, Loving, Lying" reminds us, no shame in feeling a range of emotions, containing worries about your life... but you are important to your friends no matter what!

“Get Outside” — Robert Palmer:

“If you can't decide what you want to do, If you can't stand what people say to you, If you can't see when your eyes are open wide…Get outside” … good advice. Change up your routine when you feel stuck.

SIDE B:

“Send Me an Angel” — Real Life:  

For the timeless, traditional baby making route, I hope you find an angel.

“Vertige de l’amour — Alain Bashung: 

As I understand it, when you enter, the “vertigo of love,” you fall in… and babies are made. 

“Fearless” — Pink Floyd: 

You’re fearlessly entering the ascendence, into having a baby…or adopting…or fostering…or having a pet animal… or pet rock… or plant… or birthing something else… 

“Every day is the right day.”

“Miraculous Weekend” — Peter Ivers: 

Say you do meet someone… (again, traditional route,) and you’re loving spending time with them, and maybe spending the rest of your life connected through having a child together. 

You might feel all goofy and mushy like Peter. 

“Alone Again Or” — Love: 

“I could be in love with almost everyone — I think people are the greatest fun” … keep that in mind! Whether you are coupled or free… 

“Alone” — The Cry: 

What if you are alone though? 

….“The Cry” was only together 1987- 89… but their lyrics live on: “Have you ever sat on an empty beach, with the sun and the stars and the sea so deep, and asked yourself again, Is this for me?” being alone can be pretty dreamy!

“Too Much Too Young” — The Specials: 

“Now you’re married with a kid, you should be having fun with me!” The Specials are fine with you staying baby-less.

“Dur dure d’etre bebe” —Junior Family (Jordy): 

Whether you have a kid, or you are a club kid… let the smooth sounds of a french baby get you in the mood.

“Djobi Djoba” — Gypsy Kings: 

Yell at your life with raspy passion, spank your life with affirming hand clapping, dance around it — it’s yours and it’s adorable!

“Watermelon” — Jerry David Deccica: 

Bonus reminder-song: Take it easy… Relaaax! Take that pressure off. Sweet dreams :)