Choice is Your Magic Wand

By Claudia Burnett

I have spent the 1st 40 years of my life not choosing, I had no idea I could choose or what that would look like, what it could be like. I did not realise that choice was even an option, no logical clue about what choice really was. As I contemplate that thought, I am aware how scary that feels for me as I discovered that CHOICE is a key that unlocks so much in me.

In the household that I grew up in, with mum dad and 3 brothers, you did what you were told, there was no room to question anything. I became a follower, watching others and following what they did.

As the only girl I was told “a girl’s place is in the kitchen, boys can go out to play”

Whenever my small voice asked why, I was met with “Do as you are told” a constant phrase my mother loved to use. “Don’t ask questions, just do as you are told” 

So I did what I was told and I never questioned anything, I never pushed back. I was placid, a very quiet and subdued child. I did not speak very much and was known as the quiet one.

I was brought up by my mother who would reiterate daily “there is a right way and wrong way to do things” where my mum was concerned my way was the wrong way and her way was the right way.

As I look back on my life now I am aware that this programmed me to be oblivious to the fact that I did have a choice, I had choices in so many areas that I had never considered but I was unable to wield the mighty potency of conscious embodied choice, well I was only a child after all!

One day my mum bought me a dress, it was brown, with a high patterned neck, long scratchy sleeves, it may have been woollen as I remember fibres sticking out. I was about 12 or 13. 

I looked at the dress, I was horrified and for what felt like the first time I spoke up and said quietly, “I am not wearing that!” my mum turned to me indignant and shouted “ you are so ungrateful, I will never buy you another item of clothing again, this is a beautiful dress”

This, although resulted in me being allowed to choose my own clothes, it left me devastated by what I received from my mother as criticism, disappointment and rejection, she repeated the story to whoever would listen, every chance she got especially if I was in earshot.

This left me with the message that it was wrong to speak up and I feared the consequences of doing so.

Would you believe it! I blindly followed along when told what to do, I stopped questioning everything, even if I wanted too.

Fast forward 13 years and I am working for Royal Mail, I began as a casual at 26 after having a baby, my daughter was about 9 months old at the time of taking that job. 

I had wanted to go back into hairdressing but realised that I would only be earning enough money to pay for a child minder and would have nothing left to live on, so I looked for something else and found summer casual work at Royal Mail. 

Fast Forward 8 years and I had become full time, worked nights for 7 of those years and through very unpleasant circumstances had become a manager.

As a manager we began the afternoon with a shift meeting, they were long and laborious, I would leave meetings uncertain about what went on, figures and acronyms were banded about and used in such a way it left me feeling confused. 

I would always manage to do my work, give my staff direction and get the mail out with a push, but I hated leaving the meetings not really having a clue what was really being conveyed.

One day when we were being given instructions about a change of procedure that we had to carry out and inform the staff, it was not clear to me exactly what I needed to do, I felt frustrated. 

I had always been afraid to put my hand up and ask a question as I did not want to appear stupid as everyone else seemed to know what they were doing and what was being communicated.

But this day I did not care whether I looked stupid, I required a greater understanding of what was being asked of me so I could communicate clearly and honestly to my staff.

I found myself in conflict, do I keep quiet and leave the room feeling ‘stupid’ for the rest of the evening shift or do I chose to appear stupid for 1 measly min, 60 secs!

I made a choice and went with 60 secs, it seemed like a shorter space of time to be in stupidity.

So when the shift manager paused I put my hand up and asked my question the room went scarily quiet, all eyes were on me, I asked something like “what exactly do you mean by that, I am so not getting it”  as the words left my mouth, the 60 seconds felt more like 60 mins.

The shift manager furrowed his brow and answered my question in detail and relieved expressions reverberated throughout the room, it was like everyone was waiting for someone else to ask the question that we were all thinking.

When we left the office, some of my colleagues approached me and thanked me for speaking up, this was such a game changer for me and I whilst working for RM I never left another meeting without asking the question I was afraid to ask, regardless of how I might appear.

I was conditioned at a young age to believe that it was best not to rock the boat, to do as I was told, when I questioned something or expressed my opinion it was not received well, through my experiences I learnt not to trust myself and my choices, believing they were wrong and not the right way! 

In truth there are many ways, there is never just one, always exercise your right to choose as the only wrong choice is not make a choice at all.