Emma...the therapist slayer….

I made my therapist cry. He's not the first either!! 🤣

Well, that was embellished for dramatic effect. His face went red and he welled up....it still counts. I was talking about how things that have happened to me have made me think other people feel about me and how these have been cemented by experiences in my adult life.

I think I'm awesome. Let's put that out there. But, I don't feel as though anyone else will think that about me. I feel like my past and how I've been treated makes me tarnished in everyone else's eyes. In my mind, people view me as used up, stupid and not as worthy as them or other people. I feel as though people expect me to be stupid or to fail at things. My training didn't help these feelings as, in one lecture about child abuse we were told by the guest speaker that 'most people who are abused go on to be abusers'. I challenged this despite my internal screams and upset......she didn't have facts to support the statement therefore in the eyes of best evidence she was wrong. In fact, the latest research shows there's no difference....it's not the abuse suffered, it's what's happened to the survivor since, it's how well they've coped with it and actually there are just as many people out there who have not been abused that become abusers. It still made me think everyone in the room would think of me as a disgusting threat to humanity and so made me want to run away.

Being a survivor of abuse in childhood is not a definite indicator that someone will become an abuser....nor should it be used as an excuse if you do become one (in my opinion and according to latest research).

It was the tears from this that caught him. He did very well, he sucked it up and gave a valuable response......"maybe you should try not to make assumptions. You feel people are making assumptions about you, but you are also making assumptions about them"

True.

We discussed the workbook he had given me. It contains 2 case studies, one with a similar situation as me. However, she lives by 'rules of life' and takes 'precautions' when she's in public to ensure her issues remain hidden. I am the opposite. I feel like it's all written across my forehead and that I need to constantly prove that it doesn't make me unworthy. This means, even with people who have only just met me, I think they can see that I haven't been loved and protected as I should have been and so will believe that that was because I'm a shit person who doesn't deserve to be loved, and is stupid and not worth their time. It's exhausting as I have to act all of the time, try and be what I think will be the opposite to what I'm assuming they'll think I am. Very complicated!!!! (You'll probably have to read that sentence a few times to make it make sense but I can't word it in any other way....sozzles)

I discussed one of the things that reinforces these feelings...which is awful because it's meant to be a positive. I don't usually turn a positive into a negative but hey ho. I get people saying to me 'well done you, look at what you've achieved with all you've been through'. My mind's response to these lovely statements of encouragement is....'so I'm that much of a piece of crap that you can't believe I achieved' 'so because of my past it's shocking to you that I became a nurse'. It's the 'with all you've been through' that makes me feel like it's a bit of a back-handed compliment. You were supposed to be shit but you aren't type thing. It's awful isn't it.......and now anyone who reads this is going to be scared to give me a compliment. Don't worry, I do also have a rational side that challenges these negative thoughts, thankfully!

I'm gaining more confidence in him. He's said a few things that suggest he knows what he's doing and can actually help me. Although it's hard......and this is why............(yep, the second counsellor I took out is in this next bit...it's a cracking story!)

I saw 3 counsellors when I was 18 because I had depression and they quite kindly didn't just want to pump me full of chemicals.

The first one told me I should resent one of my family members. Load of bollox. I don't believe you should resent anyone. Feel anger, feel sadness, guilt, regret, feel those feelings, work through them and then forgive....don't resent. I have a wonderful family who have done their best for me. I feel nothing but love for them.

The second one (this is it, the one you've been waiting for) had potential at my first appointment. I sat with her and told her everything, things I hadn't told anyone yet. I left on a bit of a high, feeling positive. My second appointment came and I walked into the room to find her crying. (Yep, full on blubbing). Well, it turned out that she was the social worker who had dealt with my case when I was little and she couldn't handle it that more had happened since. (Was going to pop a little emoji in here but felt it inappropriate!) I sat down, put my arm round her and told her it was all going to be ok. She was very apologetic but told me it wouldn't be appropriate for her to see me again.....no shit Sherlock. I left on much less of a high and no hope for the next one I'd be sent off to. It created a deep low point for me. She was supposed to be a healthy, sorted individual and if she couldn't cope with my situation how the hell was I meant to???

The referral came through, I didn't have anything better to do and I'm hopeful by nature so took myself to the appointment. No word of a f'ing lie........I walked in, she said hello then......stared at me for 10 minutes without saying anything. I got up, walked out and decided that I was obviously either so f'ed up that no-one would be able to help me or I was just meant to deal with the shizz by myself.

I haven't dealt with it at all. I've coped and done rather well but dealing with things requires support, training and tips and tricks from people who know what they're talking about. Self-help books are great, they're inspiring but they can only get you so far when you have deep-rooted issues. You need someone to help dig them out with you. Someone to chat to to check you're following the advice effectively, someone who will question your thoughts and feelings.

So far, Doctor Strange is doing well (obviously an alias, he's not an actual superhero...although he will be in my eyes if he manages to fix me!)