Get out of my head!

By Lauren Waghorn

As May is mental health month I thought I’d share something that I’ve been reflecting on recently for anyone who’s struggling, in whatever capacity. This may be a really obvious thing to say but I’ve realised lately that mental health is repairable, just like physical health. There was a time when I thought I was beyond repair and was convinced this was a myth. I believed that no one could imagine the things I was thinking and feeling. That I will never be in a position to lead a ‘normal’ life. One that I longed for with 2 children and a loving husband. One that I didn’t think I was worthy of. And at times, I still don’t know if I'll ever be strong enough for. 

Let’s take it back to the beginning of when things got really dark for me. It all started in my first year of uni. It was a couple of months after I started experimenting with drugs for the first time. My parent's were divorcing and my nan had just died. I hated being so far from home, without the safety of my friend's loving arms in Hastings. Where everyone knew I was ‘cool’ and where people knew the real me. Instead, I was justifying myself at drug-fuelled house parties about why I was doing a Tourism Management degree when everyone else there were doing art courses. I woke up one morning with an awful hangover / come down. I felt like I was living in a parallel universe, or having an out-of-body experience, and not in a good way. My vision was fucked, my heart raced and my head felt like someone else was in there. It wasn’t me in there anymore, in my own body. Someone had taken over my brain and they were evil and cruel. I couldn’t wait to wake up and feel like me again, the pleasure we all seek when going to bed on a hangover. 

Unfortunately that day never came for me. University was 3 years of highs and lows and I don’t regret sticking it out one bit. But it wasn’t until I finished uni and came home that I could start to try and heal my mind. I started having CBT therapy for my most disturbing intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that I was paranoid people knew I was having and that they would definitely judge me for. And well if anyone in power knew then I’d be locked up for good. Because I was insane! Or so I thought. 

There are a few really stand out moments for me that I remember during some of my worst times. First being at Glastonbury which was one of the best weekends of my life, but also plagued by the battle of my intrusive thoughts. Where by the end of the festival, I flopped on top of my bags and sobbed to my friends about some of the awful thoughts I’d had all weekend and how evil I thought I was. They comforted me, reassured me and showed me love with no boundaries. They were my rational brain when I didn’t have one.

One friend sat up with me half the night while I cried. I had imagined a scenario where I had stabbed her and was found with her dead body and knife with her blood all over me. I don’t know how much love you have to have for someone for them to tell you how great you are and have absolutely no fear that this would ever happen. That they trust you 100%. Or my poor ex boyfriend who slept next to me with a knife and scissors next to the bed for some exposure therapy during CBT. All while struggling with his own mental health. 

Even though I had an extremely supportive network, it felt like a battle I had struggled with alone. Intrusive thoughts can be cripplingly isolating and make you look in the mirror and wonder which thoughts this body belongs to. Is the old you gone? Never to return. Studying your thin lips wondering if they make you look evil, because maybe you are. It was a tough old slog trying to battle this fight on my own. 

Then I found my counsellor who is an angel sent from mental health heaven. She has given me snippets of wisdom that I never even dreamt of obtaining. She taught me how to look after my inner child, how to let thoughts pass like clouds without attaching feelings to them. To look inwards and acknowledge the emotion I was feeling, not just chalk everything up to feeling anxious or angry.

Therapy isn’t for everyone. Some people may find meditation useful or even just getting themselves back on track with the love and support of those closest to them. Just please know there is hope, the mental state you are in now can be changed. I have had days even in these strange times where I open my eyes to the sunshine and feel present. I feel at peace and grateful for my life and hopeful that I will continue to get better. I have more and more times like this. It doesn’t matter if they’re minutes, hours or days. I am grateful for every single one. And I feel the old me coming back. And I love and appreciate her, I welcome her with open arms.