How Not to Be an Adult

I have come to the conclusion that in order to be a successful writer with interesting life experiences and meaningful connections with her audience, some level of trauma might be key...

The trouble is I used up my most traumatic experience weaving my last Story Time yarn... so what to do?

I considered writing about some funny, totally relatable experiences I’ve had: like the time when I was forced to spend an evening in a bikini with my boss in a Chinese ambassadors luxury spa. Or the time I went to Thailand on my gap year and got a poorly tummy so I stayed in a luxury spa.

I know what you’re thinking, she’s a woman of the people! She’s just like me!

Anyway I decided that none of these would quite cut the mustard emotion wise, so I made a drastic decision: to conduct a week long social experiment and report my findings to you.

I decided that for a whole week I would not say “sorry”. For a woman, this is a pretty big deal, as we’re used to pretty much existing on a hamster wheel of permanent apology. So I thought this would be interesting.

And here are my findings: Long story short, no one noticed. Turns out, I’m kind of an asshole.

So I decided in the end to tell you about the time I killed a man. Ha. Just kidding, my lawyer says I’m not allowed to tell that one any more. I’m supposed to call it “If I killed a man....”

So I decided instead that what I could talk to you about is depression.

That insidious little fucker. It creeps up on you when you aren’t looking and never seems like it could be real in the harsh light of day. It’s like a monster that lives under your bed.

I expect this has gone over your heads a bit, but I tend to use humour as a defence mechanism so I thought talking about my experience of depression and anxiety in the past tense may be counterproductive, and instead I would read you something I wrote in the throes of it...

“I know I should get up. I should be a productive human. I’ve got so much to do and I’m behind in almost every area of my life. It’s because I’m a garbage person. I’m lazy and useless and garbage.

I promised myself today would be the day I behaved like an adult. Got up before noon, went for a run, worked a reasonable number of hours and wrote creatively too.

But now today’s here I realise I don’t know how to do any of those things. I’m pretty sure all I know how to do is lie here under the duvet hoping it will transform into an invisibility cloak and I can hibernate here like a bear for several months. Just until I feel a bit better. Just until things are a bit easier. Just until everything’s not so grey. Just until.... just until...

But I’ve got to get up. Haven’t I? I mean, I’m self employed, and so I don’t have to do anything. I’m my boss. Jesus, that’s a shit show. I’m definitely not capable of being a boss. I can’t even get out of bed.

Everything feels so heavy today. Like lead weights on my chest. I don’t know why, and I want to shake it off. I should be able to shake it off and just get up. Even thinking about doing that is tiring. Maybe just a little nap. Just another hour.

Or two.

Well it’s basically the evening again now, why bother getting up. I’d only go downstairs and be sedentary on the sofa instead, shovelling food into my mouth like a greedy human dustbin. And I don’t deserve food today, I haven’t done anything productive.

Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be an adult tomorrow.”

Refreshingly unhumorous, you’re welcome.

Let’s lighten the tone. I turned 30 this year, and I thought I might impart some lessons I learnt in my 20’s:

1. If your voice sounds sarcastic all the time, it’s important to say - “just kidding!” After a particularly cutting remark, unless you don’t mind people thinking you’re a dick.

2. There’s some advice you shouldn’t ever give - leave your boyfriend, he’s a cunt - is the entire list.

3. Advice is a suggestion not a prescription - you’re not an expert in anyone else’s life.

4. Try to be kind, and if you can’t be kind, be patient. And if you can’t be patient, be drunk.

5. If you don’t want to eat a cookie, keep out of the kitchen.

6. Work is important, being heathy is essential. Choose yourself.

7. No one else will advocate for your dreams, be your own cheerleader.

8. Take naps. They are life’s little reset button.

9. Tell people if they are important to you. Be brave. You’re not here forever.

10. Drink water before going to bed drunk. Your future self will thank you.

11. She will also be grateful if you could refrain from eating cheesy chips, and spending all your money on gin. I know it seems like a good idea right now. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

12. Families are complicated. None are perfect, but setting boundaries is healthy and allowed.

13. Protect your energy. Breathe. Meditate. Learn to love time alone.

14. Religious debate is a waste of time, people are stubborn and idealistic. But sometimes it’s fun to do it anyway.

15. Dating is awful, but sharing the bad stories with your friends is healing.