What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Insane

By Nikki Haugh

Trigger Warning: Infertility and miscarriage

Nikki is everyone's favourite ray of sunshine. I can hear her laugh just from writing her name. She wrote this honest piece to help cleanse her head and to address the elephant she felt was always in the room:

I don’t feel this way anymore, at all, in fact I feel bloody great right now. And I’m not trying to be an advocate for anything but if just someone reads this and it resonates, praise be. If it helps someone understand better, praise be. And if it helps facilitate more authentic conversations then praise be.

Every time I see a baby cry, see a baby laugh, see a baby reach out for its mum. I think I'm going insane.

Every time I see a mum scream at their baby, smoke by their baby, swear at their baby. I think I'm going insane.

Every time someone tells me they're pregnant, how lucky they are, how their life is full now. I think
I'm going insane.

Every time I burst into tears after they’ve told me but want so desperately to be happy. I think I’m going insane.

Every time someone asks if we have children. Tells us we're lucky, it's not all it's cracked up to be. I think I'm going insane.

Every time someone tells me to relax, stop stressing and it will happen. I think I’m going insane.

Every time I think about the injections, the hormones, the scans, the blood tests, the appointments, the general anaesthetics, the surgeries. Every time the doctors told us it was looking good. I think I'm going insane.

Every time I look at the photo of the positive pregnancy tests, remember that short time I was pregnant. I think I’m going insane.

Every time I'm with the children closest to me, my heart bursts, I love them so much, and I don't want to say goodbye. I think I'm going insane.

Every time the invites for the baby showers, the christenings, the family events. The fun, the games, the congratulations. I think I’m going insane.

Every time I look at the photos of our wedding day. The hope, the joy, the excitement for what we thought was coming next. I think I’m going insane.

Every time I think of my beautiful husband, when I feel his sadness and can’t help him. When I think of what a special dad he would be. When I told him to leave, find someone younger who could give him these things. I think I’m going insane.

Every time I swallowed the pain in the shop, smiled through our trauma, made another oat flat white and babychino. I felt like I was going insane.

Every time in the film, in the book, the happy ending always a baby. I feel like I'm going insane.

Every time I think about telling our families we're pregnant, telling our best friends. What our life could have been. What our life should have been. I feel like I'm going insane.

Every time I think about what my body should be doing. When I think about stepping out of this one and finding one that works. I think I'm Going insane.

Every time I try to talk about it but can't, I feel like I'm going insane. Every time I don't try to talk about it, I can't, I feel like I'm going insane.