1 in 4

By LW

TRIGGER WARNING: this story contains miscarriage.

I am 1 in 4. The story I wish I didn’t have to share. The club that nobody wants to be in, nor asks to join.

2 under 2 call me crazy but that’s what I wanted. I wanted the chaos, the sleepless nights, the bond of siblings very close in age. And in my mind I had that picture. I had that picture for 10 weeks after I saw those 2 lines on that stick. Our son was going to be a big brother! 21 months apart, 2 under 2! I’ve done this once I can do this! Except I can’t. Not this time.

The first time I phoned the hospital they asked me a series of questions, was I in pain? No. Has the bleeding got worse? No. Any clots? No. Ok well let’s just see what happens over the next few days the voice on the phone said. Helpful I thought. And just like that it stopped. Fast forward 2 weeks and the same phone call, the same questions. I went to hospital I had various tests, examinations and bloods done, no certain answer but everything seemed good. We were hopeful. Our scan the following day told another story. We heard the words we never imagined we would hear 10 weeks earlier. And so we were 1 in 4. We had lost our baby.

I still feel sad, so so sad. You just can’t quite imagine the pain of what might have been until you have it taken from you. 

How do you cope with this sort of news? I didn’t. I’ve survived it but I didn’t cope with it. I cried and cried and cried. I still cry now. In fact, I am crying right now.  I had weeks off of work, something I have never done in my life. I would pretend everything was fine all day then crumble as the darkness hit. As I held my sweet sleeping son in my arms, so grateful for him at the same time mourning our future as a family of 4. 

We came out the other side the gloom, although always in the background it began to lift and the month our baby would have made their appearance into the world we saw those 2 lines on the stick again. I literally jumped for joy. It was a comforting feeling that it happened that month. Like it was meant to be. Only the following week to find that our rainbow baby had too been taken from us. Speechless.

So here we are a family of 3 so grateful for what we have, so sad for our babies we have lost. Still hoping and longing. 

But still 1 in 4.